JORGE RODRIGUES SIMAO

Not so long ago an acquaintance of mine was extremely concerned about a nasty rumor that supposedly was all about him. For months he was determined to find out who had started the cheap gossip so he could seek some sort of severe revenge. Months after everyone else had forgotten about the rumor, he kept reminding others about it. Revenge had become his obsession.

Like this acquaintance of mine, many people seem to live for revenge. Sadly, people who become obsessed with getting even for some transgression invite the people who initially hurt them to hurt them even more. In light of their being so hung up on the incident, the bad feelings will probably persist even after any act of revenge. In the course of everyday living we all are tempted to seek revenge at some time or another. Yet it's best not to get too excited about exacting revenge against someone because the anticipated results appear better than they turn out to be. For instance, if revenge weren't the driving force, most divorces wouldn't require lengthy legal proceedings. Not only does a court proceeding take a lot of money, time, and energy, it swallows up many people's lives. The net result is that even if the plaintiffs or defendants win, they lose.

No matter how bad the transgression, foregoing the chance of revenge is often the best course of action. As Lou Holtz remarked, "You never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him." It's best to focus your time and energy on something worthwhile. Regardless of how much you feel that you have been treated unfairly, it's important to maintain a proper perspective on the value of revenge. Two wrongs seldom make a right. There won't be any positive payoff - a perverse one, perhaps.

What will hold you back in life is wasting energy on things better forgotten. "To be wronged is nothing," concluded Confucius, "unless you continue to remember it." Whenever you are contemplating some drastic event in retaliation for some transgression, wait at least a few days. You may decide that it's not worth the trouble to seek revenge.

The need for revenge will disappear when you learn how to forgive people who have done you wrong. Paradoxically, when you refuse to forgive, you have not imprisoned the other person - you have imprisoned yourself instead. A Chinese proverb warms, "If you are going to pursue revenge, you better dig two graves." Whatever wrong you have suffered in the past, today is the time to forgive and forget. Not tomorrow or after tomorrow. It's best to consider the case closed. A great burden will have been lifted off your shoulders.

To be sure, all of us get mistreated for no apparent reason. More often than not, it's best to resist the temptation to exchange a bad deed for another bad deed. No doubt the temptation will always be there to get even. Although there is an entire industry based on revenge, including many books written on how to get even with ex-bosses or ex-lovers, we should remember the emptiness that often results from our attempt to get perverted pleasure from extracting revenge.

You won't have to carry a grudge if you adopt and follow this important French proverb: "Living well is the best revenge." Indeed, why not stick to your life's goals and have your significant achievements become your revenge? Along with achievement, there are more subtle ways of getting even. Sacha Guitry quipped, "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Oscar Wilde offered the most effective way to get back at neighbors and other troublemakers: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

Also remember that fate has a way of paying transgressors back, if not sooner, then later. What goes around has a habit of coming around. People who do you wrong will eventually get what they deserve. Someone else will do something similar, or worse, to them. In most situations there is no need to seek revenge. Just relax and let the gods allocate justice in their own way.